New Mexico Chili Cook-off
In New Mexico, we have an annual Chili Cook-off about the time Halloween rolls around. It takes up a major portion of a parking lot at the Santa Fe Plaza. The score card notes from the 2009 event are unique because of Judge #3, an inexperienced Chile taster named Frank, who was visiting from Smithton, Missouri…
CHILI # 1 - MIKE'S MANIAC MONSTER CHILI
Judge # 1 -- A little too heavy on the tomato. Amusing kick.
Judge # 2 -- Nice, smooth tomato flavor. Very mild.
Judge # 3 (Frank) -- Holy crap, what the hell is this stuff? You could remove dried paint from your driveway. Took me two beers to put the flames out. I hope that's the worst one. These New Mexicans are crazy.
CHILI # 2 - ALFREDO'S FAMOUS BURN DOWN THE BARN CHILI
Judge # 1 -- Excellent firehouse chili. Great kick.
Judge # 2 -- A bit salty, good use of peppers.
Judge # 3 -- Call the EPA. I've located a uranium spill. My nose feels like I have been snorting Drano. Everyone knows the routine by now. Get me more beer before I ignite.
CHILI # 3 - BUBBA'S BLACK MAGIC
Judge # 1 -- Black bean chili with almost no spice. Disappointing.
Judge # 2 -- Hint of lime. Good side dish, not much of a chili.
Judge # 3 -- I felt something moving across my tongue, but was unable to taste it. Is it possible to burn out taste buds? Is this nuclear waste I'm eating?
CHILI # 4 - LISA'S LEGAL LIP REMOVER
Judge # 1 -- Meaty, strong chili. Jalapeno peppers freshly ground, adding
considerable kick. Very impressive.
Judge # 2 -- Chili using shredded beef, could use more tomato. Must admit the jalapeno peppers make a strong statement.
Judge # 3 -- My ears are ringing, sweat is pouring off my forehead and I can no longer focus my eyes. I farted, and four people behind me needed paramedics. The contestant seemed offended when I told her that her chili had given me brain damage.
CHILI # 5 - VARGA'S VERY VEGETARIAN VARIETY
Judge # 1 -- Thin yet bold vegetarian chili. Good balance of spices and peppers.
Judge # 2 -- The best yet. Aggressive use of peppers, onions, garlic. Superb.
Judge # 3 -- My intestines are now a straight pipe filled with gaseous, sulfuric flames. I crapped on myself when I farted, and I'm worried it will eat through the chair. No one seems inclined to stand behind me. Can't feel my lips anymore. I need to wipe my butt with a snow cone.
CHILI # 6 - SUSAN'S SCREAMING SENSATION CHILI
Judge # 1 -- A mediocre chili with too much reliance on canned peppers.
Judge # 2 -- Ho hum, tastes as if the chef literally threw in a can of chili peppers at the last moment. Aside: I should take note that I am worried about Judge #3. He appears to be in a bit of distress as he is cursing uncontrollably.
Judge # 3 -- You could put a grenade in my mouth, pull the pin, and I wouldn't feel a thing. I've lost sight in one eye, and the world sounds like it is made of rushing water. My shirt is covered with chili, which slid unnoticed out of my mouth. My pants are full of lava to match my shirt. At least during the autopsy, they'll know what killed me. I've decided to stop breathing. It's too painful. I'm not getting any oxygen anyway. If I need air, I'll just suck it in through the 4-inch hole in my stomach.
CHILI # 7 - BIG TOM'S TOENAIL CURLING CHILI
Judge # 1 -- The perfect ending, this is a nice blend chili. Not too bold but spicy enough to declare its existence.
Judge # 2 -- This final entry is a good, balanced chili. Neither mild nor hot.
Judge # 3 -- No report.
Themocracy
Those are great! Ah, the inexperienced chili eaters…
I’d like a quart of number 5, please. Oh, and two sno-cones too.
Poor Frank. Nothing like starting off the morning with a good laugh. Thanks.
I read a version of this one a few years ago, and then as again now, nearly fell off my chair laughing, lol.
The Old Silly
Because this yarn comes from New Mexico it must be true. It makes me smile and reminds me not to be a judge of anything.
Sounds like someone from the South all right!
Haha! That’s great. “no report” I greatly appreciate the giggles. Thanks, Galen.
Love it! But I feel like taking an antacid now for some reason…
Elizabeth
Galen, Kate awaits you…
Galen, you always make me laugh! Thank you! I’ve left you a little surprise on my blog. Enjoy!
I reckon I won’t be volunteering to help judge that contest…Very funny post, Galen.