Today, one of my favorite bloggers.  A funny, clever, and talented writer, Alan Orloff…

---

Thanks for inviting me to guest blog today, Galen! I was going to blog about writing software, mouth-to-mouth resuscitation of woodland creatures, and/or shoe-shopping, but you beat me to it. So you’re stuck with something much more mundane.

Can you guess what I’m referring to?

Here are some hints:

• It’s painful.
• It’s arduous.
• It’s demoralizing.
• It seems interminable.
• It is humbling.
• It is agonizing.
• It can be a royal PIA.

No, it’s not a root canal. It’s the querying process.

You’ve written a manuscript, put it through the critique group wringer, honed and polished that baby until it sparkles like my bald Uncle Teddy’s dome. Now you want to find an agent. Uh oh, that means only one thing. You’ve got to crank up the ol’ query machine.

One note. The following suggestions worked for me and are my opinions only. I’m sure you will find some (many?) people espousing strategies completely opposite to these. That just underscores one of the biggest truisms in publishing: It’s all subjective.

My suggestions:

Start your query with a summary of the story. Leave the introductions, throat-clearing, and “housekeeping” information until the end. Grab your agent-reader from the first word.

Use the same voice in your query that you use in your manuscript. “Voice” is what will set your query apart from the thousands of other queries making the rounds. Remember, the agent probably will have seen your characters and plots before, but your voice is unique.

Describe your story succinctly, cleverly, clearly. You have one page, make every single word (and punctuation mark) count.

Go easy on the bio. Sell yourself, but just hit the highlight(s). It’s mostly about the writing, and not about you (unless you are Oprah’s cousin). Mention relevant writing credits; again, don’t go overboard. Your award for Best Poet in Mrs. Finster’s Fifth Grade class is nice, but save it for your family reunion.

Use the A, B, C method and “batch it.” After you’ve compiled your list of agents who might be good fits, divide them into three groups, based on “awesomeness.” Then send out one batch of queries at a time (say, 8 –12), being sure to include a few agents from each group. This will let you make changes to your query (and your manuscript) as you go along, and you won’t exhaust all your prime prospects.

Don’t try to interpret form rejections. No means no. Move on, it’s not personal. Of course, if you do get some personalized feedback, take it to heart, but don’t necessarily start in with the revisions. I’d wait until I heard the same feedback a couple times (at least) before I undertook any drastic manuscript overhauls. Remember, writing is subjective.

Try not to stress or obsess. It doesn’t help. Just get to work on your next project.

I know, I know, easier said than done.

At least it’s not a root canal.

---

Alan Orloff’s debut mystery, DIAMONDS FOR THE DEAD, was published this month by Midnight Ink.

The first book in his new series, KILLER ROUTINE – A Last Laff Mystery, featuring Channing Hayes, a stand-up comic with a tragic past, will be out Spring 2011 (also from Midnight Ink). For more info, visit www.alanorloff.com

In New Mexico, we have an annual Chili Cook-off about the time Halloween rolls around. It takes up a major portion of a parking lot at the Santa Fe Plaza. The score card notes from the 2009 event are unique because of Judge #3, an inexperienced Chile taster named Frank, who was visiting from Smithton, Missouri…

CHILI # 1 - MIKE'S MANIAC MONSTER CHILI

Judge # 1 -- A little too heavy on the tomato.  Amusing kick. 

Judge # 2 -- Nice, smooth tomato flavor. Very mild. 

Judge # 3 (Frank) -- Holy crap, what the hell is this stuff? You could remove dried paint from your driveway.  Took me two beers to put the flames out.  I hope that's the worst one. These New Mexicans are crazy.

CHILI # 2 - ALFREDO'S FAMOUS BURN DOWN THE BARN CHILI

Judge # 1 -- Excellent firehouse chili. Great kick. 

Judge # 2 -- A bit salty, good use of peppers. 

Judge # 3 -- Call the EPA.  I've located a uranium spill.  My nose feels like I have been snorting Drano. Everyone knows the routine by now.  Get me more beer before I ignite.

CHILI # 3 - BUBBA'S BLACK MAGIC

Judge # 1 -- Black bean chili with almost no spice.  Disappointing. 

Judge # 2 -- Hint of lime.  Good side dish, not much of a chili. 

Judge # 3 -- I felt something moving across my tongue, but was unable to taste it.  Is it possible to burn out taste buds?  Is this nuclear waste I'm eating?  

CHILI # 4 - LISA'S LEGAL LIP REMOVER

Judge # 1 -- Meaty, strong chili. Jalapeno peppers freshly ground, adding

considerable kick.  Very impressive. 

Judge # 2 -- Chili using shredded beef, could use more tomato.  Must admit the jalapeno peppers make a strong statement. 

Judge # 3 -- My ears are ringing, sweat is pouring off my forehead and I can no longer focus my eyes.  I farted, and four people behind me needed paramedics.  The contestant seemed offended when I told her that her chili had given me brain damage. 

CHILI # 5 - VARGA'S VERY VEGETARIAN VARIETY

Judge # 1 -- Thin yet bold vegetarian chili. Good balance of spices and peppers. 

Judge # 2 -- The best yet.  Aggressive use of peppers, onions, garlic. Superb. 

Judge # 3 -- My intestines are now a straight pipe filled with gaseous, sulfuric flames.  I crapped on myself when I farted, and I'm worried it will eat through the chair.  No one seems inclined to stand behind me.  Can't feel my lips anymore.  I need to wipe my butt with a snow cone.   

CHILI # 6 - SUSAN'S SCREAMING SENSATION CHILI

Judge # 1 -- A mediocre chili with too much reliance on canned peppers. 

Judge # 2 -- Ho hum, tastes as if the chef literally threw in a can of chili peppers at the last moment.  Aside: I should take note that I am worried about   Judge #3.  He appears to be in a bit of distress as he is cursing uncontrollably. 

Judge # 3 -- You could put a grenade in my mouth, pull the pin, and I wouldn't feel a thing.  I've lost sight in one eye, and the world sounds like it is made of rushing water.  My shirt is covered with chili, which slid unnoticed out of my mouth.  My pants are full of lava to match my shirt.  At least during the autopsy, they'll know what killed me.  I've decided to stop breathing.  It's too painful.  I'm not getting any oxygen anyway.  If I need air, I'll just suck it in through the 4-inch hole in my stomach.

CHILI # 7 - BIG TOM'S TOENAIL CURLING CHILI

Judge # 1 -- The perfect ending, this is a nice blend chili.  Not too bold but spicy enough to declare its existence. 

Judge # 2 -- This final entry is a good, balanced chili.  Neither mild nor hot.

Judge # 3 -- No report.

Yes, it’s on the streets.  “Hearts” became available April 1st—please, spare me.  Above are the two covers: new and improved cover on the left, old and reliable, original cover on the right.  Maybe I should have written a story about flowers.

I’ve not physically held the new books, so, not sure about the dimensions, print, or paper quality.  Supposed to be Trade Paperback. 

I do know the interior is different.

• All the musical quotations, and the literary quotations—save a couple from Shakespeare–have been excised, stripping away some important soul. Gone because we couldn’t/wouldn’t obtain permissions. 
• Gone also are the Prologue and Epilogue as stand alone entities. They’re now chapters…but twenty years and 12,000 miles separate them from the immediately subsequent and preceding chapters with little notice that the reader has shifted time or setting.
• Publisher word and phrasing changes here and there have, apparently, made the book “better.” 

Still, the above points not withstanding, the basic story is the same, just somehow less…passionate, intense—and personal. Personal in the sense that it’s something I created.

In the original, there was a line explaining the title. I believe that too, has found its way to the word graveyard. Now, browsers and shoppers can wonder, “What the heck is the title about? It’s kinda odd.”

This is from the original edition, just prior to the now dead Prologue:

Since 2333 BC, long before the Western world was new, Antiquity’s name for Korea was, Chosen, Land of the Morning Calm.

This is explained in the book, but, somehow it’s helpful to know before you begin reading, I think. Nonetheless, I believe it’s gone.

I ordered a load of books from my publisher on Friday. I’m hoping they’ll arrive within the week. I paid enough shipping to have them sent to Korea.  We’ll see what that buys. Passage to New Mexico, I hope.

For the ten of you with copies coming, getting them in the mail is at the top of my agenda.  You’ll forgive me if I elect book-rate postage…aka, slow. They’ll read the same no matter how inexpensively they’re shipped.

Accordingly, my next novel will be about a miserly author who lives in New Mexico.  He’s captured by the ghosts of Largess, Charity, and Greed.  These ghosts take him around and show him the impact of his cheapness and the value of Priority Mail. Wait, this kinda sounds familiar, maybe I better Google the plot points to ensure it’s not been previously written.

Thanks for stopping by.  Hope to see you again on Wednesday when I’ll have a very funny post about a New Mexico chili contest.